Episode 61: Transcript

You are listening to episode 61 of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

Welcome to the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I'm your host and fertility life coach, Sarah Brandell.

Join us each week as we walk through navigating your trying to conceive journey.

My mission is to share the skills of managing your mind, processing emotions, and living a full life to create a more authentic path to motherhood.

Hello, hello, and welcome to another week of the Path to Motherhood podcast.

I am your host, Sarah Brandell, and I am super excited to have you here with me.

I think this one is going to be an impactful, useful episode for everyone, no matter when you're listening to this.

We're going to talk all about holidays, but hi, welcome.

I have gotten and some feedback from a couple of you guys over the last week, and it's just been fun to kind of hear your stories, kind of what's going on in your journey, what you're taking away from the podcast.

And what was super exciting is that a couple of you shared about taking some of the tools that I've talked about recently and applying them into practice and trying to work through them with your own life and how much impact it's made.

So I love hearing those stories.

If that's happening for you, please message me, let me know about it.

I love to hear about them.

Another thing is that I get people messaging me about ideas for content topics.

So if you have an idea for a podcast episode, message me.

Let me know.

I would love to hear about it.

I am making this for you guys.

So at the end of the day, it's not about what I wanna talk about.

It's about what you guys wanna hear.

So it's always gonna be better if you guys are sharing ideas with me.

So reach out, connect.

I love talking to all of you.

It's fun to do the podcast and I really enjoy it and I can't believe I'm well over a year into it, but at the end of the day, I'm talking to a wall.

I feel like I have this connection with you guys, but if I'm not hearing back from you, then it's pretty one-sided.

So I love to hear back from you guys, hear what you think, what you loved, what you didn't love, what you're doing with episodes, and what ideas you have.

So if you have any of those, send them my way.

Today is a beautiful day here in Ohio.

is a beautiful, beautiful fall day in the 60s.

Got a little bit of sunshine and a walk-in today, which was so nice.

And I'm squeezing in, recording this episode a little bit between coaching calls.

And this is an important one.

So like I said, today my focus is gonna be on talking about the holidays.

And if you are listening to this at a later time and like the holiday season technically isn't approaching, I would encourage you to still listen to it.

and consider saving it for later when the holidays are approaching.

But this is a big topic.

It's one I did an episode about last year and I can link that in the show notes, but something that I think we can always be talking more about and that is preparing for just how to approach the holiday season.

If you were here last week, you know that we talked about secondary losses and just acknowledge that sometimes it doesn't have to be that we only talk about tools and tactics and ways to feel better about things, but sometimes it literally is just that we just need to acknowledge the pain.

I think it would be wrong of me to really do a podcast episode about the holidays and not at least start there and just you know talk about the fact that the holiday season is a difficult time.

It's not necessarily 100% across the board difficult for everybody but for a lot of us it is.

The holiday season carries a lot of importance in our lives.

It's a lot of time with family.

It's a lot of time being exposed to a lot of different people at parties and events.

All of that built on top of the fact that you're going through an infertility journey and dealing with what other people are saying about your situation.

All of that compiled together makes the holidays a stressful time.

So if you're feeling that way, if you're getting some anxiousness kind of going into the holiday season, I get it totally.

Hopefully the things we talk about today like I said are things that can be really helpful going into this holiday season in the US or wherever you are but also could apply to birthday parties and baby showers and summer holidays, spring holidays, anything.

Family gatherings, friend gatherings where you're feeling a bit anxious.

So that's really what I wanted to talk about and I guess the first thing I want to do is just normalize.

If you're not looking forward to the holidays, if you're feeling anxious about the holidays, if you're feeling depressed about the holidays, totally normal.

Nothing has gone wrong.

Nothing is is wrong with you.

I can talk to women sometimes when I'm coaching them about the fact that they feel guilty for feeling that way.

They feel guilty that they're not even looking forward to it.

They don't feel like decorating when they usually do.

They don't feel like attending anything when they usually do all of these things.

And I just wanna say, like, if you're not feeling great about it, if you're apprehensive about it, if you're anxious about it, totally fine.

Totally fine.

You guys know one of my favorite phrases is, of course.

And I would just say, of course, this is a heavy time.

Of course, this is something that's stressful when you have all those different layers on top of the fact that you're going through an infertility journey.

I think that the holidays can be something that's looked forward to and enjoyed by so many, but at the same time, regardless of if they're going through infertility, the holidays is a really stressful time.

There's a lot of expectations on ourselves of gift buying and preparing and food making decorating and visiting and going to events and showing up to all these things when typically on a Thursday night you would not be going out for a work party etc.

So all of that builds up to just be a lot going on and it's okay to not be looking forward to it all.

So if you're there, totally reasonable.

Now to open up a little bit more about you know the why it feels extra heavy when you're going through an infertility journey, I think that can be useful just for us all to kind to kind of relate to and reflect on, but also if you're listening to this and you're not going through infertility to just kind of open your eyes to what we're thinking about.

The holidays can be such a marker of what you don't have.

I'm seeing so many posts in the last week talking about how much more fun Christmas is with kids and how much more enjoyable Christmas is with kids.

Now that's just one holiday.

There's so many more out there, but just the thought of like, It is such a great and enjoyable time as a parent to be celebrating whatever holiday is important to you with your children and the magic of that.

And if you don't have that, that is a huge trigger reminder of what you don't have.

And that is happening everywhere.

Mailers about toys, gifts, commercials, TV shows, movies, plays that are focused at children, everything, you know, is involved around getting children involved in the holidays.

And if you don't have children, and that's the thing you want more than anything in the world, this can be a really painful reminder of what you don't have, of what you wish for so badly, what you have been working hard for, what you have been trying to go after and just don't have yet.

If you are not going through infertility, I just wanna acknowledge that it can seem like no big deal.

Like I've had people not going through infertility, say things like, oh my gosh, this sounds so nice, to not have to worry about kids going through the holidays and just know that there are people out there who would give anything to have the stress of worrying about kids through the holidays, anything.

And that's just one example.

And then you layer on top of that, the holidays means you're surrounded by a lot of people when you go to events, a lot of people that you may or may not see on a regular basis, that opens up the doors for a lot of comments, a lot of questions, a lot of unsolicited advice, and just a lot of conversations that you may or may not be ready to have.

You know, I can't emphasize how many times in the holiday season and the years leading up to having children, I would be asked about it, when are you gonna have kids.

Are you trying for kids.

What's going on.

Just imagine one day when you have kids on the holiday, et cetera, all of that can absolutely be distressed and be something that you wanna avoid having to deal with.

People don't realize the comments they're making could have such an impact.

And I actually recently went to a training about our words and the use of our words and what they mean.

And I think a lot of us are getting more educated on the concept of microaggressions and how microaggressions can come off.

And microaggressions can appear in so many different categories of life.

But I think that a lot of the comments that are said to someone going through infertility that are painful actually have a flavor of microaggression to them.

Remember, they could be conscious or completely unconscious that they're saying them and that they're hurtful.

But having those comments said to you, like, "Oh, having my kid here is going to be "such a good reminder of why you don't really want kids.

" Or, "Oh, you can take mine for the weekend.

" You know, these types of comments, they maybe don't realize how hurtful they are, but they're small little cuts over and over and over again to someone going through infertility.

And I kind of think of it almost like micro doses of trauma happening on a regular basis.

And we already have that in our day to day lives and our family interactions and our work interactions and our friend interactions.

But then you compound that with the frequency that we see people during the holidays and it just elevates that to another level.

And so I think that can be another reason that can be so heavy.

Another thing for me was just, it's like a timeline or like a marker, right.

I think for me, the holiday that really was a marker was the end of the year.

The new year marking to me, we're entering another year without a baby.

We're entering another year without a pregnancy.

We're entering another year without a successful pregnancy.

It was just like this marker to me of time is moving, I'm getting older and things are not progressing.

And so that is another example just of how the holidays can be so hard to handle.

And that's just a few.

We all have different experiences.

You guys have other things that are adding to this.

If you guys have reasons that the holidays are so difficult for you that you wanna share, message them to me on Instagram.

And I will share them.

I don't have to share them with your name, but anonymously share other examples of why the holidays can be so difficult.

And I think that can just be impactful to just honestly show others that they're not alone and their fears and their frustrations their worries about the holiday season.

That's where I want to start is just opening up that if you're feeling anxious about it, if you're feeling worried about it, if you're dreading it, totally normal.

I think for us to really talk about how are we gonna navigate the holidays, how are you gonna accept, you know, get through them and accept what they are, there's a couple different steps, there's a couple different things that we need to do and one of those is Honestly, what I kind of think of as like a little pity party.

I talk about this in with my business coach often about like, I could absolutely throw a week long pity party and like not get any work done and not be productive and regret having put myself behind and just mope and sit in my pity party.

And that could totally be an option.

But I would argue that a lot of us don't want to do that.

We want to be productive.

We want to get things done.

We want to move on, but you want to acknowledge how you're feeling.

And so she calls it a five second pity party.

I don't think it has to be five seconds, but you know, if I just want you to check in, see how you're feeling about the holidays approaching, acknowledge where you're at.

If you're worried about them, if you're spearing them, if you're dreading them, if you're frustrated with them, whatever it is, throw yourself a little pity party.

It can be five minutes.

It can be 20 minutes.

It can be an afternoon.

I don't care.

But throw yourself a little pity party of like, "Yeah, I have been dealt this excuse my French shitty hand and I have to navigate infertility or pregnancy loss, etc.

while dealing with the holiday season and that sucks.

And I'm not looking forward to it for X, Y, or Z reason and I'm really disappointed.

And gosh, I wish I could just have the normal holiday season.

But I'm not going to.

And that's just the nature of it.

And throw yourself the pity party.

And let yourself feel bummed.

Let yourself feel disappointed.

Let yourself feel hopeless.

Let yourself feel frustrated.

Whatever comes up.

And just let it be there.

Because it can be really unfun to force yourself to say, "I just have to be positive.

I have to enjoy every moment of this holiday.

No exceptions.

I need to put on a brave face and smile and pretend like everything's okay when I feel like crap.

And so I don't want that happening.

I want you to acknowledge the disappointment.

I want you to acknowledge whatever uncomfortable emotions are coming up about the holiday season in advance.

And then we can go about making a plan for how we want to approach the holiday season.

And that that it's gonna be totally different for all of us.

And I really truly mean that.

The holidays mean different things to all of us.

We have different expectations.

We have different levels of interest in the holidays.

And so our action plan going forward is not at all gonna be the same.

For some of us, the holidays really is not that important.

And it's easy enough for us to just say, I'm gonna opt out.

I'm not gonna go to the parties.

I'm not gonna show up to things.

I'm not traveling down to Florida wherever her to visit family, I'm just going to stay at home.

I'm just going to be by myself and I'm going to make the most of what I've got here in my household with me, my partner, etc.

So that's an option and if that works for you, totally do it and maybe in years to come you'll change your opinion but for this year we're just taking a break and I will acknowledge that I have totally felt at times like I wanted to do this.

Like man sometimes it sounds nice to just go on vacation over the holiday season.

And I thought that before I was into infertility, just to take a break from all the family.

I grew up in not a huge, huge family.

So sometimes it can be a little bit overwhelming with my husband's family.

There's just so many of them.

For others of us, the holidays mean a lot.

And to imagine skipping out on them is like not even an option.

These are time periods in our life that we have built up to mean so much to us, time periods that we really love, time periods that we cherish, we have family members coming to these events that we may not get to see for much longer, etc.

And so we don't want to opt out.

And if that's the case, that is totally fine.

You don't have to, you can survive the holiday season, going through infertility, etc.

and show up for the holidays.

That's possible.

So I just want to put that out there, that we all will have a different response, but only you know what is right for you.

So when it comes to creating this action plan, it really does involve you sitting down and reflecting on what's important to you, how much do you wanna show up to, how much are you okay with not showing up to, you know, comparing that to what your partner wants.

You guys don't have exact same opinions about things.

And so like I shared, sometimes I wanna go all totally away on a vacation on the Christmas holiday and that is like not what my husband wants to do.

And so we have to come to a compromise.

We don't go on vacation, but maybe we don't go to every single activity.

We don't go to every single family gathering.

And so it really comes down to you sitting down, evaluating what you want out of the holidays, evaluating what your partner wants out of the holidays, and coming up with a plan.

And like I said, everyone's plan is gonna be a little bit different, but you need the plan because not until you have the plan, can you really decide how you're gonna approach things from a taking care of yourself from an infertility perspective.

So once you know what you're going to do, whether it's that you're going to attend events, you're not gonna attend events, you're gonna do something in the middle where you attend some things, but not all things, whatever it is, you can then start planning for, okay, if that's what I'm going to do, what's gonna come up, right.

If I'm opting out of the holiday activities, if I'm opting out of the baby shower, what conversations are gonna happen.

What is my mom gonna call me and say, "I can't believe you're not coming.

" Is my friend gonna call and be upset that I'm not coming to their baby shower.

You know, all of those types of questions, expect them, prepare for them.

Know that they're coming and prepare for how you're gonna have your conversation about them.

It doesn't have to be that you have an answer that makes them happy.

The answer just needs to be honest.

This is just not something I'm able to participate in right now for the best of my emotional health.

I know that may be really frustrating for you.

I know that may not be what you wanna hear and I hope that that could change in the future, but for this year, this is just how we're gonna have to approach it.

It doesn't have to be something they agree with, but I want you to prepare what you're gonna say to answer to them when they do get frustrated that you're not gonna participate 'cause it's gonna happen.

Other examples, if you are going to things, you know you're going to them, anticipate crap's gonna be said.

People are gonna make comments, family's gonna come up and ask you questions, friends are gonna ask questions, all this stuff, and know they're coming.

And know you can't prepare for every single individual comment.

There's no way.

But you can kind of anticipate topics that might come up.

And you and your partner can decide, hey, are we gonna talk about our infertility, or are we not gonna talk about it.

Are we open about it or are we not sharing about it.

What are we gonna say if someone says, "Are you trying to have kids anytime soon.

Or is there gonna be a baby anytime soon.

" All of those questions.

Are we gonna just laugh and smile and walk away 'cause we don't wanna have the conversation.

Or are we gonna open up and we're gonna say, "Actually, yeah, I hope so.

We've been trying.

" It's not going as easily as we would have liked.

We all have different willingness to share and that is totally fine.

And so make sure you kind of have an idea of what you and your partner are open to sharing with.

And I think it is important to be somewhat on the same page with this.

Of as a team deciding how much you are or are not going to open up about things.

And one important point I wanna make here is that there is nothing that says you have to be equally open to every single person.

So you get to decide.

Those people who are closer to you, who you have trust in, who you're willing to open up to, they may know way more than the people who are random acquaintances, or the people who you just know you don't want their input about this topic.

And so you and your partner need to sit down and decide, one, how much are we willing to share.

And two, is that fluctuating depending on who we're talking to.

And get clear about it.

Get clear about what you're willing to share, what you're not willing to share.

And I think that that can help you feel so much more prepared going into a party, an event, or whatever, knowing, hey, we're both on the same page about what we're willing to share, what we're not willing to share, and we're prepared to do that.

Now, like I said, you cannot anticipate every single question or comment that's gonna come at you.

It's just not possible.

I will share a link in the show notes to an episode about about dealing with those unsolicited advice type comments that maybe would help you prepare as well for that, you just do your best and you get through it.

And you know that there's gonna be something that really knocks you back and you really don't know how to respond in the moment and you'll walk away and you'll think about it and maybe you'll think of a better response for the future and now you're better prepared if that comment were to ever come up again.

And honestly, just like everything in life, going to these functions and navigating people's comments and keep moving through the process takes practice just like everything else in life.

And so I know people don't want to hear that.

They just want it to go swell from the first attempt.

But the truth is, is it takes practice.

And so that may mean, hey, we're going to go to events, but we're going to have an opt out plan of like, I'm going to show up, I'm going to show my face, I'm going to participate, but I'm not going going to be here very long so I can get exposure to these events and get practice at these events before putting myself in a six hour all day activity where I have to be around a lot of people.

That might be a good idea for you.

That might be really helpful for building your confidence that you can attend these things.

I talk about this with clients when it comes to baby showers of it's okay to say no to go.

But number two, it's okay to have like bookend activities that limit your ability to go.

So maybe you go a little late, you leave a little bit early and it's like a practice experience of navigating an event like that.

And maybe you get through it and it was tolerable and you enjoyed it and there was a couple bumps in the road but you were able to navigate them and now you've built your confidence that next time, oh I think I could probably show up to the next baby shower on time, but may need to have a backup plan for getting out early if I need to.

And know that there may be times where no.

This event falls perfectly in line with a really difficult time in my journey and I have to say no.

And that is totally okay.

So when it comes to all of these holiday parties, preparing for them, I truly believe is key.

And we can't be perfect.

We can't prepare for any potential activity or interaction that's going to happen.

But we do our best and we just make it work.

The next thing that I think is really important is honestly reflection.

So leaving these events, the days after these events, really reflecting back on how did it go.

If it was something you attended with your partner, then reflecting with each other.

If it was like an activity just with your work or something that you did by yourself, reflecting maybe on your own, on a walk, on a journal, of how did it go.

What was I worried about.

What was I scared about.

Did those things come to fruition.

Was it better or worse than expected.

How did I do.

How did I navigate things.

Is there anything I would like to change about the situation.

And key here is like you can only control yourself.

So I can't change what Aunt Susie said, but maybe I would have responded in a different way.

Really reflect on how did it go.

What went well about the experience and what didn't go so well about the experience.

And what are you gonna do differently for the next event.

Because that's part of the holidays is they keep coming.

event after event after event.

And so we need to be prepared for that.

So I really think the reflection piece is really key.

It does a couple things.

One is it builds confidence and prepares you for the future.

And I think that's super important.

But honestly, the most important thing is when you leave these events, we can often be at really heightened emotions.

Frustration, sadness, anger, whatever, from whatever came up at the event.

and reflecting and thinking through and processing everything can really help us come back down from that heap mountain wave of an emotion to a more stable place where we can move on.

And I started this off by saying we need to all have our little pity party.

Know that those pity parties are gonna happen along the way.

Over the next two, three months, they're gonna happen again.

You're gonna have moments where you think, Why, why do I have to be the one that has to deal with this.

Why not anyone else.

This isn't fair.

Why do I have to deal with the comments.

Why do I have to be the one without kids.

Why do I have to bend my schedule to be flexible for the person in our family who does have kids.

These are all things that are gonna come up and it will be totally fine to pause, throw yourself the pity party, the five second, the five minute, the five hour, whatever you want it to be, pity party, and then plan for the next thing.

And know that your plan and your approach can change.

You can try something, you can decide, yes, I feel good about going to that.

You can go to that event and say, nope, anything else like this I'm not going to anymore, and that is totally fine.

Totally fine.

As I've shared, this really comes about acknowledging how you're feeling about the holidays, really deciding what's gonna be your plan of attack for the holidays, preparing for them, getting a game plan for how you're going to approach them, and then reflect on how the events go in preparation for the next one.

And we just keep moving through in this way.

And what this does is this allows us to get through the events that we want to, that we're committed to.

It allows us to navigate them while also taking care of ourselves, while also acknowledging our pain, while also being authentic.

And what I wanna leave you with is it's okay to have fun.

It's okay to enjoy these events.

It's okay to open up and let loose and relax with family.

Nothing is wrong if you're doing that.

Nothing is wrong if you feel the ability to let loose and have joy and celebrate and not be 100% focused on the sadness of your journey.

There's nothing that that does to your journey.

It doesn't belittle your journey.

Nothing.

It is totally fine to have fun.

But on the same token, it is equally fine to literally not enjoy any of it.

And if you're there, I'm sorry.

I really am.

I know for me, for years, it was like, God, I hate these holiday seasons.

I want to celebrate these holiday seasons with my children so badly.

I just wish I could have them in front of me.

This is so not fear, to be still grieving a loss and going through a holiday season, watching others celebrate with their kids, watching kids be celebrated that would have been the same age as my losses.

Not every holiday season has been fun.

Not every holiday season has been enjoyable and I think that is okay.

So if you're there, don't beat yourself up about it.

It's okay to be disappointed.

And I have an episode coming out soon, I think maybe next week with a guest.

And one of the things we talked about on that episode is the importance of acknowledging that you can hold opposite emotions.

So you can be disappointed, be frustrated, be angry, anything, and also have joy.

and also have hope.

Nothing is wrong.

That is actually a normal human being thing to be carrying two very opposite emotions, even if they are about the same thing.

So if that's happening for you, totally fine.

I hope that some of these ideas and kind of ways of thinking about it are helpful as you approach the next couple weeks.

For those of you celebrating the next few holidays, I am Wishing you all the best.

I'll be thinking of you and sending you as much positivity as possible through a difficult time and Like I said share with me your struggles with the holidays Share with me your frustrations about the holidays.

I would love to hear about them and I will talk to you all next week Hey there inspired mama if you enjoyed this show I want to invite you to leave a review in your podcast player.

This helps to share the message with so many more women just like you.

Also, if you know of another hopeful mama on her path to motherhood, please share this episode with her.

I would love to get this into the ears of anyone who needs to hear it.

If you are ready to step this work up and not only learn these tools, but to apply them to your unique story, head to the link in the show notes to apply for a free consult call.

I would be honored to help you.

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